From football season to Thanksgiving to Christmas. Then we have The Super Bowl, Mardi Gras and Mountain Brook’s back to back basketball championship win. Dorian tryouts have ended. It is so quiet around my house. There is this lull. A calm before the storm, if you will. Ash Wednesday is in two days. We are on our way to deciding what to give up or start to do on a daily basis during Lent. The weather is dreary outside after such a beautiful Sunday. How do you feel today? I was up all night with two sick children, bed hopping from one to the other. I am so tired…
I have been tired. I have been struggling with God. Some days I am so mad at him for our situation. Then I feel guilty because I am not following all the rules a “good Christian” should. Some say follow the Bible to a tee. It can be hard for an English major to do that. Millions of people around the world interpret the written word so differently.
When do you feel closest to God? Is it reading his Word? Is it taking the sacrament? Is it praying with your husband that He will get us out of this “mess”? Do you read a certain devotional that gets you through the day? God is with us all day every day in so many ways. But I forget that. I forget that when I fuss at my son for being upset that my husband ONLY made blueberry muffins for breakfast. I forget Him when I lose my patience. Then when I remember Him later that day, I feel guilty.
I am a sufferer of depression. Some of you know that already. Some recent events in my community have prompted me to come forward and expose my disease. This past week has been one of the most emotionally draining ones I have experienced in a long time. I posted it on Facebook for all of my “friends” to see. I couldn’t be quiet anymore.
I have been angry at God lately because I suffer. In the last couple of days, I have come to the realization that maybe God prompted me to expose myself. Maybe, just maybe, this is my Spiritual Gift. I have received more “likes” and “pm’s” in the past week than the seven years I have been on Facebook. Jesus suffered for us. We all suffer. Maybe God wants us to use our suffering for the good of others. It isn’t easy. You are left very vulnerable. Jesus was pretty vulnerable half naked up on that Cross with nails through his hands and feet. He is our voice.
I choose to be yours. Right now I am calling us sufferers. I want to find a better word. A word that describes us more as survivors, like cancer survivors. This is our cancer. Right now it is a silent killer, like cancer was so many years ago. I am only one person, but I hope and pray I can put a dent in the education of depression.
Please know that you are not alone. It is ok to be mad about this. I struggle with this, but it is ok to be mad at God. It is through his Grace that we can be mad at Him. He can take it.
I am no expert on faith. I can’t quote the Bible very often, but I seek solace in it’s words. I go to my minister with these questions all the time. He is trained to deal with doubters like me. He tells me it is ok to doubt. God is still there for you.
I have thought a lot about what to do about Lent this year. I decided to start this blog. I am still trying to get the hang of it. My laptop is missing the “t” so I have to push real hard on it. If you see a lot of missing t’s that is the reason. Some days I may not write about God. But He is always there. As I write this, I believe He is the reason I started this.
I hope you will come away with some understanding what we sufferers/survivors are going through. Our thought processes are convoluted. You will see some days I don’t believe in myself; that my self worth is abysmal. But I hope by writing it out, I can get through it. I hope you that suffer and survive the day can get something out of it. I hope that if someone you love is suffering/surviving, by reading this, you can get some idea of what is going through their mind.